My, what a long time since I’ve posted something. As I know I obviously never ever mention it, I have currently been really busy with University assignments and my dissertation – totally new information to you I know. As a result, recently I have been feeling particularly anxious and fearful for the future, mainly because I have so many deadlines and like to be melodramatic, but, despite this, I have felt an overwhelming sense of love that has helped me feel grounded and safe. It has made me realise that I spend most of my days taking that support and love for granted (which is to be expected of anyone) but knowing it is there in my moments of uncertainity and panic has really made me feel blessed these last couple of weeks.
So what prompted this sappy and vomiting-from-cuteness-overload blog post you ask? Potentially it’s because I’ve just come back to Swansea after a lovely week at home surrounded by family and seeing my best friend (and seeing The Addams Family at The Marlowe in Canterbury **post coming soon**). Potentially it is because, having got off the Paddington to Swansea train I was fortunate enough to waste an hour at a coffee shop with two of my oldest University friends who I haven’t seen in months. Potentially it’s because I’m currently sat in my house, alone, with only the sounds of stillness coming from my open window. Whatever the reason, my heart is in a very happy place at the moment.
I’ve never been one of those people who makes friends easily, nor have I ever had a lot of friends. I’m just not that kind of person. I’m very private, very guarded, and very awkward and none those scream socialite. No, instead I’ve always tended to have a few very close friends who I rely on for everything. Take my oldest friend in the world – Clara. I’ve known her since I was 14 and know I’m going to keep her in my life undoubtedly for forever. But yet, could I tell you when we became friends? No. One day she walked into my life and it’s like I decided Yes. I like this one. I think I’ll keep her. I know that no matter how much time I spend with her, no matter how long it has been since we’ve spoken last, the moment we meet up again it’s like nothing has changed. She’s a constant in my life, something I can rely on, and I don’t think I can even truly appreciate how much that means to me.
Talking to those friends at the coffee shop made me realise how scared I am for change, and how silly it is. Maybe it’s that sense of dread that fills most graduates, that feeling of oh lord! I have too much debt to not know where I’m going in life or even how to take the first step in the right direction. But, sitting by that table, surrounded by two people who have been part of my life for the last four years made me realise how silly and miniscule that worry is. Ok, maybe not miniscule. It is, after all, a very large amount of debt. Perhaps, rather, how out of my control that worry is. How futile it is. I’m always going to worry and I’m always going to have something to be scared of but I’m always also going to have people around me who love me and who I love back. And, in a way, that is much more important. That’s what I should focus on. Everything else is simply in the background.
Until next time,